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Current time: 3:00AM
Location: My flooded with darkness room
Music/sounds: Heavy rain thudding against the ground outside
(30 minutes before)
The thought of sliding the blade against my arm was so tempting. Just the thought of it brought a little satisfaction to me. I sat there for half a minute imagining what it would feel like. I never did something like that before so I couldn’t really complete the imagination. But I made it up with a sudden sharp pain followed by calmness slowly flowing in. It was just the thought itself that calmed me. Imagine if I did it…I wonder what it would make me feel. Just a little cut… Lasting pain? Short-lived calmness? Immediate calmness? I don’t know.
(Right now)
The arm that I intended to "make a mark" earlier feels numb right now for some reason. I am much calmer now. My chest has stop hurting and my breathing has returned to its normal pace. Tears have dried up and thankfully there’s no blood to be dried up.
I now sit here with no other emotion than guilt which has turned me literally numb (as how my left arm suddenly became numb). I am also shocked and surpised that the thought of cutting myself crossed through my mind just now not for the first time but for the second time. It was always some sort of taboo to me. Something that which I really disagree and forbid - cutting oneself. I never speculated that one day I would do it. Well I didn’t do it, but the thought itself appeared in my head.
Call me irrational or stupid and you might be right. I am most of the time. That’s what got me here right now. It’s pretty much like gambling or smoking or taking drugs. When you’re doing it you think you can control it and you avoid thinking about the consequences. But when it’s time for repayment, you instantly regret for being so chaste about it. It’s like what they say "what goes around, comes around."
Karma never fails to happen. And when it does happen, you would do anything to go back and change what happened. But you know that’s impossible. So the only option you have left is to stop what you have been doing and accept the "effect." What’s damage stays damage. And you’re going to have to endure what’s the damage done. Just like smoking or taking drugs, it may take many attempts to finally let it go. If you’re strong, it may only take one attempt.
But for my case, being "too nice" has never brought me anywhere and I suppose it didn’t work for my situation either. I guess in the future I have to harden myself and be strong. Because I can’t be assured that the next time this happens the blade is gonna be stain-free. Yes, I sound weak. So I am going to prevent this from happening again even if it requires me to sacrifice a lot of things. It’s part of the repayment scheme. Just gotta accept and live with it.
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