Malicious Minds

Current time: 3:00AM
Location: My flooded with darkness room
Music/sounds: Heavy rain thudding against the ground outside

(30 minutes before)
The thought of sliding the blade against my arm was so tempting. Just the thought of it brought a little satisfaction to me. I sat there for half a minute imagining what it would feel like. I never did something like that before so I couldn’t really complete the imagination. But I made it up with a sudden sharp pain followed by calmness slowly flowing in. It was just the thought itself that calmed me. Imagine if I did it…I wonder what it would make me feel. Just a little cut… Lasting pain? Short-lived calmness? Immediate calmness? I don’t know.

(Right now)
The arm that I intended to "make a mark" earlier feels numb right now for some reason. I am much calmer now. My chest has stop hurting and my breathing has returned to its normal pace. Tears have dried up and thankfully there’s no blood to be dried up.

I now sit here with no other emotion than guilt which has turned me literally numb (as how my left arm suddenly became numb). I am also shocked and surpised that the thought of cutting myself crossed through my mind just now not for the first time but for the second time. It was always some sort of taboo to me. Something that  which I really disagree and forbid - cutting oneself. I never speculated that one day I would do it. Well I didn’t do it, but the thought itself appeared in my head.

Call me irrational or stupid and you might be right. I am most of the time. That’s what got me here right now. It’s pretty much like gambling or smoking or taking drugs. When you’re doing it you think you can control it and you avoid thinking about the consequences. But when it’s time for repayment, you instantly regret for being so chaste about it. It’s like what they say "what goes around, comes around."

Karma never fails to happen. And when it does happen, you would do anything to go back and change what happened. But you know that’s impossible. So the only option you have left is to stop what you have been doing and accept the "effect." What’s damage stays damage. And you’re going to have to endure what’s the damage done. Just like smoking or taking drugs, it may take many attempts to finally let it go. If you’re strong, it may only take one attempt.

But for my case, being "too nice" has never brought me anywhere and I suppose it didn’t work for my situation either. I guess in the future I have to harden myself and be strong. Because I can’t be assured that the next time this happens the blade is gonna be stain-free. Yes, I sound weak. So I am going to prevent this from happening again even if it requires me to sacrifice a lot of things. It’s part of the repayment scheme. Just gotta accept and live with it.

Look! Pink nails!

Look! My very own Kelisa!

Look! Silver-black sport rims!

Look! Radio and CD Player!

Look! Speedometer!

Finally my Kelisa arrived. Been waiting 2 weeks for it. Now it’s here! I can’t wait to officially get my P license. I drove it around a bit today. It’s awesome…the feeling of driving your car (or rather bought for you). The pick-up is great, I can go 40 km/h in 2 seconds. =D

Oooh…I can’t wait for my P license to be ready. I shall roam every land available to me. Haha. Can’t wait to drive to Teddy’s place.

This year I got to celebrate Valentine’s Day for the first time with someone. =)

But well both of us don’t really like the idea where during Valentine’s only the male is required to do all the work and the female just sits there waiting to be surprised. I believe that both parties should put in effort to make that particular day memorable.

So… I told Teddy not to get me flowers as they really cost a bomb during Valentine’s.

However, …

I was changing in my room when suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I knew it was Teddy so I opened the door to let him. I thought he was bored waiting downstairs and came up to bug me but before my very eyes a bouquet of flowers materialized.

Truthfully, I did not expect that. I was unsure how to react because… I don’t know. Sometimes when I come across a situation I don’t face often, I would react awkwardly. And getting flowers is something I rarely or rather NEVER experience so I was a little unsure what was the right reaction. But thankfully I saved myself from the awkward moment by giving Teddy a kiss. Held it long enough so the awkward moment would pass. Hahahaha. Don’t get mad or anything k, if you’re reading this Teddy. =P

We didn’t really plan on what to do on that day so I told Teddy earlier that we should do what we did during our first date.

On our first date, Teddy bought me coffee from Starbucks. So this time I bought Teddy coffee from Starbucks.

Blueberry cheesecake from Starbucks

Teddy was looking for shoes so I decided that as a Valentine’s gift I would subsidize part of the cost for the new shoe. (If I had more cash then I would have bought the whole thing myself for Teddy)

Awesome, huh? =D

We had dinner a little late as a lot of places were full with couples who made reservations beforehand. I didn’t know it would be so packed that reservations were needed. =/ Ah well.

That was written on our dessert plate

We then headed back to my place finally to spend a little time alone without any disturbances. =)

Alright, I’ll start with the recent Chinese New Year happenings. Like usual, on the eve we had our reunion dinner at our family friend’s house. There was a little scene there but I will not disclose it over here.

Then, on the first day we drove to my mom’s side of the family in Tanjung Malim. It took us 3 hours because of the traffic jam. Or else we would have reached in 1 and a half hours.

Pink Panther hanging out with us at the back

Only Malaysian Chinese carry out this "yee sang" tradition. It’s a mixture of veggies with seeds/nuts and crackers. We’ll toss it together with chopsticks. Teddy found the idea of tossing it weird and didn’t like the taste. Oh well. More for me! =P

On the second day (of CNY), we went back to my dad’s hometown in Gopeng. It’s about 13km before Ipoh. It’s this tiny little town with virtually no life at all. Trust me, there’s nothing to do there. But we did go to this river nearby and being the clumsy one I slipped and fell.

I really look crappy in this picture. My hair was all over the place!

And look, there’s Billy the goat.

Random pic. (my lame attempt at photography)

We stayed a night there at this place my uncle renovated just for us. It was fun this year, one of my cousins bought along his Playstation 3 and the guitar for the game Guitar Hero. I tried playing Call of Duty 4 and I sucked so bad I would have sucked the life out of you. Teddy kept encountering me and killing me. Grrr. Nah, I was just not used to the controls on PS3 =D. No, that’s not an excuse for my n00b-ness. Haha. I tried Guitar Hero too, pretty awesome.

I want a PS3! =(

———————————–

And now last but not least…guess whattt??!!!

My parents bought me a car to use! And no I didn’t beg and whine. I just shut up the whole time we were there inspecting the car. My mom loved it a lot and decided to get it for me. Well it’s not here yet but my mom paid the deposit for it. Right now, she’s settling some financing matters with the bank and in a week’s time I’ll get it already!

It’s a limited edition Kelisa. It has a black top and dark blue bottom. Also, it has leather seats. The owner tinted the glass and changed to black sport rims. So it looks AWE-SUMMM. =D Can’t wait to get it! It’ll come just in time after my second attempt at the driving test next week. Please pray that I pass or else I’ll be having a car that I can’t drive. =/

It’s as if I did not realize that it’s actually the eve of the Chinese New Year eve. Only when my mom came home and started grumbling and scolding everyone about how there wasn’t enough time left I realized it. So we rushed out for a quick dinner and got to work immediately when we came back.

It would not have been half as bad if it were not for the DMS (during menstrual symdrome). I haven’t had one this bad for months. My brain is pounding inside my skull, my stomach is so bloated and I have a killer backache which makes me feel like an old lady.

And yeah, my nose is a little runny now and also my teeth is a little sore because my braces suddenly tighten itself.

I know I sound like I’m whining. =/

But it’s not my fault really, blame the DMS. What a bad time for my period to come. Sigh.

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Yeah, as the title states. I suck.

Why?

I failed the driving test.

At which part?

The most ridiculous.

I failed before I even got to start the parking test.

Dumb huh?

Yeah I know. Feel like an idiot. =/