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On the surface I might seem like a nice and sweet humble girl. Also not forgetting the innocent look permanently plastered on my face that contributes to people’s first impression of me. My peers, teachers, friend’s parents always have this image of me being really innocent and naive. Sometimes I wonder how shocked they’ll get if they do find out what’s really running through my mind.
Like during exams, the free time we get after finishing each paper, I’ll sit there, glassy-eyed with some inadvisable and inappropriate thoughts in my head. I won’t reveal them here, it would make me vulnerable to all kinds of insults and slander. But that’s not really what I hate about myself. It’s just something that’s really contrasting to what people think of me.
What I really detest about myself, firstly and foremost, is how I get really annoyed and peeved when I don’t get what I want. An example like let’s say I want to go out alone to meet a friend in someplace. In the first place I know that I shouldn’t be doing that and can predict what my mom would say. But I’d still ask her just for the sake of asking. Then, when she really says "NO", I’d get real annoyed and mad. I don’t know why. It’s like I understand why she would say that but the reason for me getting mad is because I don’t get it my way. I sound like a really spoiled person don’t I? Throwing tantrums when my whims and fancies don’t get attended to, twisting my words to subdue people and so on.
Another thing that I can’t stand about myself which is somewhat similar to the one above, is how I want to have a say in certain things. And even if what I have to say is wrong I would try so hard to make it sound right that in the end I’d end up embarrassing myself. Call me hard-headed or stubborn. I’ve never been like that years ago before I realised my true potential of being able to think like this. It annoys people especially myself. Sometimes I hate how I act in front others.
Next, I hate losing to others. I think there’s this saying which goes along the lines of claiming one’s horse is always bigger than the others. I always always always have to be the best in something. Not everything, just certain things that I know that I’m good at. For instance, writing. I get really disappointed when I don’t get a near perfect score and I get really hard on myself until it almost damages my self-confidence. I can’t stand seeing others better than me at that and I get really disturbed by it to a point I would push myself so hard to be better. I know some would say that it’s good. That’s what really drives a person to do well. But the things is, I hate the feeling I get. I don’t really know how to describe it either, it’s just a really uneasy and unsettled feeling I get.
I believe there is a small part present in everyone that they wouldn’t favour. Or perhaps there may be real egotistical people who have such an inflated idea of themselves that they overlook their personal flaws.
At least I know my mistakes and am trying to rectify it. I guess that stands as the difference between me and them.
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