Filed under: Uncategorized
Today Zach and I were having a nice little emo chat and we reached a part where we talked about the past and and how we enjoy times spent in solitude. I don’t know why but the moment we hit the subject of spending time alone reflecting our thoughts, I got all emo and disturbed. It kept bothering me all throughout tuition and dinner, all I felt like doing then was to lock myself in my room and waste the night away on my thoughts.
It’s been a while since I felt like this. And I admit it that I miss times like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no emo freak but I enjoy being all consumed by my emotions and thoughts and all. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed right now, I just feel…disconnected from the rest of the world. Like I’m in my own world. And I don’t hate it. I’m letting myself sink deeper into the dark abyss. I’m embracing it, I’m letting the thoughts and emotions drown me.
I’m a person who enjoys solitude. I treasure all the moments I have to myself. Being away from the rest of the world, being away from reality. Keeping people out from my phantasmagoric reality. A place where only I matter, where the only thing that counts is me. Throughout the years, I’ve learnt to value myself more than others. Call me selfish or conceited but I will always put myself first. It’s what you learn after always putting others ahead of you and you don’t get anything back. I don’t like depending on others nor do I like others depending on me too much. I truly dislike it when people come to me for help when they never even tried hard enough. If you really know me, you will notice that I never turn to others for help if I can help it.
Like when someone asks me for help and I ask why can’t he do it himself, if he says, "I feel lazy and don’t know how to do, so please help me do it". It would be an immediate NO. I get frustrated at people like this. Sometimes I’m shocked that they even dare to ask. It’s the "lazy" word that really gets to me. At least if you say that you have tried but still cannot understand then I’ll be happy to help. I don’t know why people do that to me all the time. Maybe it’s because I was soft before, I gave in to the requests of others easily. But that was prior to this.
Anyway, so this is what I mean by isolating myself from the rest of the world and spend time thinking. I like analyzing why people act the way they act. Like what causes them to do so and if they didn’t how would the outcome be like.
Hmm you know when’s one of my favourite times to zone out on others? During car rides. I would just stare out of the window, looking at things and people outside. That is one of the reasons why I love long car rides too. I get to have people around me but at the same time am able to dig deep into my thoughts and emotions. Somehow that is comforting because if I feel like I’ve delve too deep I can resurface and not feel too alone.
Oh well. I think I’ve spent too much time writing on my thoughts and emotions. I should be studying instead. But like I said at times like this I just don’t care about what’s outside the boundary of my room. Sigh. It is at times like this when I feel closest to myself. I have no idea why am I this way. I’m a little weird I know. But I suppose this is what makes the diversity of society. Everyone has a distinct character regardless whether they choose to display it or not.
Right, I’m signing off. Got to get back to the outside world. No matter how much I would love to stay in my isolated world, somehow reality manages to breach the gates to my world. Gotta study for chemistry. =S
Goodnight.
Listening to: Nikki Don’t Stop by Low Millions (i love the way he sings my name =P)
