Malicious Minds

Last week we decided to head out to celebrate CM’s birthday a little earlier. We went to the newly opened Secret Recipe and I just love their lasagna. I think we spent about an hour and a half over there. And we were clearly the loudest. Lol. I just love those moments. Wonder how many more of those we will have. (>.<)

Ahh…no…I need to block out those thoughts. Already I’m having such an emotional day. And I don’t mean only depression…but anger, contempt, impatience, etc… Been dealing with some stuff lately. Can’t really say much here…only person I’ve talk to about this is my dad. Sigh. Actually, the ONLY person I can talk to now is my dad. I don’t know. Suddenly, I’ve had this…blink-of-an-eye change in me. Can’t really explain though. Best not to, lest certain people reading might start feeling paranoid.

I’ve come to realise that the only person I have in the world is myself. The person closest to me is myself. I don’t need anyone else but myself. There’s no one else I can depend on but myself. I’ve learnt to put myself above others. There’s no such thing as being selfish when it comes to this.

Anyway, I took some pictures during the last few days.
sorry if this picture is too blurry.

Jega and I after we skipped and danced in the rain.

Oh yeah. During the sleepover at CM’s house. We had this crazy session of face painting with my EYELINER. Note that it was an eyeliner.

JY and I

We took this in class today.

I look happy in those pics. That’s what everyone sees. Only the surface. The superficial me. I’m the greatest pretender. =S

(Note: I’ve updated my "other" blog. http://simplyintricated.blogspot.com)

Okay well…I felt that the environment here is contradicting with my other self. I can’t have both sides of me writing in the same blog. There’s just too much conflict. Read my other newer blog to try to "understand" my split personalities. Here:

http://simplyintricated.blogspot.com/

Comments are welcomed.

I feel bad. I feel the guilt. And I feel sick now. I’ve just looked through the pictures I took today and my face’s all scrunched up in revulsion. Eww…I can’t believe that I actually did that to the poor thing. I killed a frog. And not only that, I cut it open. I tore off its skin and sliced through his muscles just to see its dead lungs and poor heart still beating. God…I’ve started crying again. I’ll never be a good doctor. Not that I want to be one.

Some of us girls were crying today when we had to put the frog to sleep. It just looked so…helpless. I remember looking into its eyes one last time before it had to die. It just stared right back at me with no clue that I was the one who would kill it. And watching it struggle against the chloroform…I just…started tearing up. I tried really hard not to be emotional. Really I did. But I couldn’t do it. It’s just not me.

We felt better after crying though. Maybe crying for it made us feel less evil. No doubt it was an interesting experiment, but it’s gonna take a while for me to get over it. I’m not one who can stand watching anything helpless being tortured or killed. It’s just too cruel. Sarah brought a white mouse and we urged her not to dissect it but in the end, our teacher insisted that we should. So the poor thing was sliced open mercilessly by our Biology teacher. I didn’t watch her do it though, I couldn’t, not without crying again.

There was sick, sick guy. He’s just so…ooohhh! He wanted to dig the frog’s eyes out. And he burst the frog’s heart and lungs. It wasn’t only him who did those things…some other boys too. I don’t know how can anyone be that cruel. Already you killed the frog, so just let is be as it is. Why pull off its leg or tear out his insides? Ugh…sick people.

During the begininng of the dissection, my hand was shaking pretty hard enough to prevent me from holding the forceps steadily. I just couldn’t bring myself to make the first incision. Several guys came up and saw my hand shaking and gave me a little help. Sigh. I’m still crying over it.

There was one thing that I really couldn’t do. I didn’t even want to try. We had to pin the frog’s limbs onto the dissecting tray with little nails. I really CANNOT stand that. It disturbs me very badly. We had the boys do that for us. I don’t have much problem cutting it up, but piercing its legs with nails? No, thank you.

Anyway, about the pictures. I don’t know if I should post it. It feels cruel to do so. I think I’ll just post the last picture when it’s all cut open.

Sad. (>.<)

My head feels as if it’s gonna split. My eyelids feel as if they have 100-pound weights attached to them. My temples are throbbing so hard against my skull. My body just wants to shut itself down.

But my brain wouldn’t allow it.

Sigh… It’s hardly been a week to school and it’s already so tiring. God, I need to get used to this. I’ll have to constantly go through this for the whole school year. Actually it’s not school that’s turning me into a walking zombie. It’s the activities and stuff I have after school. Mostly tuition classes. Every single day after school I have to attend tuition classes. Not that I revel in having to sit down for more than an hour learning sums. But I have to do so if I intend to excel in my examinations. Sigh…the sacrifices one has to make in order to succeed… I no longer am able to find time to actually sit down idling the time away or taking a siesta. You know what’s occupying my free time in the day? Here:

Monday = Add maths class 4.30pm - 6.00pm
Tuesday = Physics class 3.00pm - 5.00pm
Wednesday = Add maths class 4.30pm - 6.00pm
Thursday = BM class 4.00pm - 5.30pm
Friday = Add maths class in school 12.30pm - 1.30pm, Physics class 2.30pm - 4.30pm

(>.<) Did I mention that my head is killing me now?

Today we had our first unofficial Interact Club meeting. Only those who were active were informed. I have to say most of us were Form Fives actually all the actives are Form Fives. I wonder how’s the club going to survive next year when we Form Fives have left the school. Oh well. Best to make our last year here meaningful. So that brings us to I.U Day. We’re having it this year and it will be our first. Jega and I are in charge of this event (which contributes partially to the intensity of my headache). I feel completely lost about this event. I have no idea where to start. I mean we already have ideas and plans but what do I start with first? Whom and when to make calls? What do we prepare? By the way, our theme this year is the U.K. The true meaning of I.U Day is to promote this single country, that’s why it’s called "International Understanding Day". Sir Willeam said we should stick with that and promote the country. So we’ll have to contact the British Council and see if we can rent some costumes from them for the fashion show, drama and etc. Sigh. I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it happen or not. It just sounds so much to do. And I’m one who worries about all the trivial details. God. More headache.

Next week though, we’re having our first official meeting where we will get new members joining us. I hope we get some "useful" members instead of those we have now. I mean we have like 70-80 members and only like what, 10 members who are actively planning and carrying out activities. But I won’t deny that I enjoy planning and doing those activities, it’s just that I wish the other members would just care more for the club.

It’s kinda late now. For my body’s system at least. It’s only 10:15 pm here and I’ve already started feeling sleepy around 7pm. (omg, would you believe that?!) Lol…at least that’s one good thing that comes from this. I’m forced to go to sleep early. Haha. Goodnight.

Another year gone. And what have I accomplished? Not that much. But still there’s something. At the beginning of 2006, I have to say I was quite different compared to how I am now. I was less matured and still uncertain about what I want. Just read some entries I posted in my blog during early 2006 and you might notice a difference. Maybe you won’t, I might still sound the same in writing. But I’m certain that during this short year I’ve changed plenty. Actually, I’m kinda surprised at how I was last time. I was still living in my own dreamworld unaware of what’s happening in the real world. I was young and ignorant and still caught up in the puppy love stage. I was going through a phase…where I thought love was this magical thing that connect two souls and yada yada yada. True… love is indeed a magical thing but not right now for me at this age. I mean I still do date and have boyfriends and all but I won’t fall head over heels in love with a guy. Too young to completely waste all of my time being in love. There’s still so many places I haven’t ventured into.

So yeah, I’ll probably have boyfriends whom I have feelings for and I might get hurt and depressed etc. but I won’t take it badly and spend all my time moping about it ‘coz I know it’s not worth it…not at this moment. Just not yet.

Anyway, back to where I was…I’ve grown up pretty much this year. I know that because just recently I had this serious talk with my parents to find out what’s really going through my mind or what I’m going through. It was a good talk and now I have a clearer picture of who I am and what I want. I also realized that many things my dad told me years ago are actually true. This time I’ll starting taking heed to what he says. Maybe not all…but a few that will truly benefit me.

During the year 2006, I’ve managed to do something I am nothing but proud of. It was no easy task though. A lot of determination and hardwork had to be put in. But it paid off, it improved my self-esteem and raised my self-confidence. At the beginning of year 2006 I was 52kg and right now at the beginning of 2007 I am a much healthier 41kg. This has to be one of my life’s proudest achievement. Though I am not completely satisfied with my current weight…so that will be part of my resolution for this year.

There’s no substitue to people telling you that you look great and not feeling totally conscious about the way you look and the best thing for a girl is that being able to wear gorgeous clothing. Hehe =D. Too bad I can’t do much about my height, I only have high heels to rely on. Oh well, that’s not too bad.

So I guess I should probably list down my New Year’s Resolution:

1. Put in double the amount of hardwork as I’ll be having SPM this year. I can’t afford to waste my time away as I have during 2006.
2. Lose a few more KGs and maintain that weight lest all my efforts and hardwork done during 2006 would be in vain.
3. Read the books that my dad asked me to even though it might be a little boring. I have nothing to lose except time which will be worth it.
4. Stop being so afraid of what others might think. I do not need anyone’s approval to do anything but only mine.
5. Try not to get too involved with stuff that might divert my attention from what’s important this year: my studies.
6. Work hard to improve my language skills. I’ll need it in the future and I want more than anything to be able to write flawless English.

That’s all I guess. Of course there are other sub-goals but those up there are the main ones. Somehow 2007 sounds like a good year to me. And I’ve got a feeling that it’ll past by just as quickly as 2006 had. Too bad time flies, wish it could slow down and take a stroll instead. Oh well.

So this is how I’m going to start the year. No more fooling around. I mean of course I’ll have lotsa fun this year but I’ll have to work as hard or maybe even harder. Time to do more than just talk. I can’t be a NATO anymore. (No Action Talk Only)

It’s late now. Gotta go now. Night.