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Do you ever wonder why you are the way you are now? Or why you have your own strengths and weaknesses? And others have their own? And like why can’t you have their strength or why you were given that weakness? Do you think it’s possible to turn that weakness into a strength in you? If possible, then how? Do you hate yourself for the weaknesses you have? Have you reached a certain point where you get so angry at yourself for being so weak that you just want everything to end? Do you sit down and ask yourself if you’re happy? Or maybe the things you do aren’t making you happy, it’s because you’re scared so that’s why you do it? Letting fear trick you into thinking that you’re making yourself happy but instead you’re only feeding it? Or maybe what you’re doing isn’t for yourself but you’re conforming to the majority? In other words, maybe we’re doing it to impress others because we’re afraid that we won’t fit in? Would it be hard to change that? To breakaway from the majority of people and live by your own rules? And learn not to be ashamed of yourself but of the people who laugh at you? How do I stand tall and square my shoulders and tell the world that I don’t care what other people think? That I would stop doing anything that’s destroying myself because I was afraid of standing alone while everyone else is following the crowd? Should I value myself more than others? Is it okay to be selfish at times? Do you think it’s stupid to keep lying to yourself when you already know what’s real and you’re giving in only because you’re afraid to face the truth? Like for example, you slit your wrists because it feels good to see blood oozing out which in a way comforts you into thinking that it’s all your pain and anger that’s oozing out and to hurt the others around you when deep down you know you’re only hurting yourself more and not others? Why do we do that? Does it ease the pain away? Or does it only push you deeper into darkness? Why am I like this? How can I be so young and have so many thoughts going through my mind? Why can’t I be like others? Why can’t I just be a little more nonchalant about certain things in life? Why do I bother so much about the little things? Why can’t I just sit back and enjoy what I have in front of me and not wonder what more I can get that’s hidden from my view? Why do I keep doing the same mistake? How do I stand up for myself and tell myself that it is not worth it to continue destroying myself because I am afraid of being alone? And why do I keep repeating the same questions when I already know what needs to be done? Is it because of my fears? Am I too cowardly to face it? Am I afraid of what awaits me when I’m left to walk alone in the dark? Do I envy what other people have that I don’t? If so, why do I need to be envious when I know deep down I’m better off not having what wasn’t given to me? Am I ready to take the first step? Would it be the right thing to do? Would I regret it? Would I give in to it like every other time?
No. Not this time. With all that being said, I have to put aside my fears and do what’s right for myself. I will not condone all the self abuse I’ve been doing to myself anymore. It has to stop. No point repeating the same old mistake everytime. So believe me, this is all going to change.
I already know what’s the first thing that needs to be done and even if it all fails and I still give in to my fears. At least I tried right? =)
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