Malicious Minds

One of those days when I’m not myself

When I was a little kid, I saw this soft toy (a dinosaur with a shell on its body) on TV that when the shell was pulled off, there’ll be a shower of glittery stars (it was some computer effect thingy). I admit it. I actually believed that it would happen. So, I begged my mom to get it for me. And when she did, I was disappointed because I found out that there was no shower of glittery stars. Even when I pulled the shell apart like how it was shown on TV. I felt stupid and naive for believing such things. And sad too. I can still remember clearly where I was and what I said.

"Mommy, you know that dinosaur when you pull the shell then there’ll be stars everywhere!" I said excitedly when my mom bought it for me.

My mom just smiled at me and left me alone in my own unreal world.

You’re probably wondering why I brought this up. It’s because I’m feeling the exact feeling now. Since almost half a year ago, I had been wanting to get together with him. After so many failed relationships, I felt that this time it would actually work out. But it did not. I believed in something that never really existed in the first place. I should have learnt my lesson from the first time like how I learnt that TV ads aren’t for real after the dinosaur thing. I knew somewere deep down that it’s just a waste of time. But no, I wanted to prove it wrong. To prove myself wrong.

But what can I say? I’m always right. =P Well, sometimes. This thing going on with him now isn’t working like how I wanted it to be. Okay, maybe sometimes I’m a bit cold and harsh to him. But all I’m trying to do is to get his attention which I hardly ever get. Sometimes I feel as if I’m only wanted when he needs company.  And when we’re not actually physically together, I feel that there’s no bond between us. No connection. It feels distant.

So he says he’s busy with college and all. Okay, that’s acceptable. But then he still manages to find time for his college mates. Okay, I’ll try to close one eye on that matter. I haven’t said a word about it to him yet. But how long can a person keep something like that inside? It’s like I keep telling myself that he’s in college and I’m not so I can’t really have a say in that matter. So, most of the time when I confront him I try not to let our conversation touch that matter.

But the thing is, he doesn’t seem to care. I don’t know. Maybe he isn’t good in expressing his feelings but he could at least try? You might say that I need to chill and relax. But I’ll tell you this, if I let this go on, we’ll just stop talking one day eventually for no apparent reason. I mean it’s like he doesn’t even reply my SMS-es sometimes though he claims he doesn’t have credits. But I doubt that. He just doesn’t want to waste it on me.

Well, it’s only been a few weeks and I think it’s best I end it. Before it gets worse. No point going on when I know it will never work out. Considering how many times we’ve tried. I should probably stop denying and realise the truth that we’ll never be able to be anything more than friends. Just like how I found out that my green toy dinosaur will never spew glittery stars out from its shell in a million years. After being disappointed, I treated it just like any other toy. And do you know what has become of it now? It’s being chewed to bits by my dog.

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